Sound and Silence
Before I begin the convoluted ramble would like to say; for people asking about the music all the mixes can be accessed here for free, if you want a download link, there's an optional donation button you can go through, fill in the quantity of tracks and the amount you'd like to value each one at. Don't bother filling in your address, unless you really want me to know where you live. But be sure to include in the "Note to seller" section which tracks you'd like the link for and I'll include your email address on the permissions access. I haven't figured out a better way to do it yet...
Difficult to put into words the last couple of weeks. A deeply moving gathering (aptly called "move") for people to explore the depths of their body through movement, meditation, incredible sound journeys and more.
It's pretty safe to say pretty much all of us have difficulties with self worth, and that I'm no exception. Giving the session I felt a not so peculiar but unusually pronounced tightness in the throat, and had to put a lot of energy into getting words out of it while it was still able to make sound. there were points where it very nearly didn't.
All eyes, on me. Fuck, what if I'm not spiritual enough? What if thinking I'm not spiritual enough is not a spiritual enough thought? What if I end up manifesting not being spiritual enough because I'm thinking about not being spiritual enough and then blocking the flow by trying not to think about not being spiritual enough?
What I think I was experiencing was stepping into a projection of my own reality called spiritual elitism, or more broadly, just elitism, and hierarchical structures of self worth. These people were more developed along the path than me, they didn't have the same neuroses and problems, they had actual talent and weren't afraid to use it.
So I stumbled hurriedly through the introduction probably missing important bits of information (but making sure to waive myself of all responsibility for how deep people wanted to go and what they did when they got there - manage you're own energy folks cos we're about to pull the plug on reality as you know it!) and got everyone to lie down on their backs to start doing something they've already been doing for their ENTIRE LIVES. Sometimes it does feel like a con. Breathe in, breathe out, very good! You've really got the hang of it now! Ok, and be relaxed, try not to be so tense when you're lying down, with your eyes closed, in the sun, on holiday, in Greece, great work!
Once everyones eyes closed and the attention was sort of off me, I felt much better. Maybe I should find a place where nobody looks at me, ever, and just stay there. Or if for some reason that's not feasible, I could politely ask every big group I encounter who are willing me to tell them something insightful or witty or clever, to avert their eyes at all times for my convenience. Or maybe I should just go blind so I don't notice any of it.
Either way once the breathing began, things really shifted gear for all of us, including me.
Throaty roars, shrieks, screams, tears, undulations, contortions, muscle tetni, electric tingling rippling ferociously across the space. A familiar scenario by now, piles of sweating spasming strangers deep in their own and each others process, particles collapsing into waves and catharsis on a mass scale. This where people come to dissolve the self and open up enough space for the inner silence to do its work.
And really beyond my own delusions of grandeur, my job is just to set the space and create the container, it's people who step into it who are doing the real work. But it's funny how that interacts with my ego when the little devil is telling me I have to be something, somebody, somewhere to everyone here. Maybe they want that too, a guru. But I'd be dishonest if I let them believe I was one. And falsely humble if I let them believe I wasn't. I guess I'm fucked either way.