Self love and breathwork

With quite a frenetic pace set by the turn of the new year, there's been little time or space to actually consider much of an orientation for 2019. This is something like a diary entry that might help me organise the architecture of my own perception, to work on the efficacy of my semantic network at letting more love into the world through my own being.

It's actually pretty easy to feel exhausted thinking about this. And there's been quite some back and forth within about goals vs flow. Should you take aim and move toward something? Or should you follow the cosmos and let it put you in it's divine place? I haven't reached many definitive conclusions on this, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. One thing I've noticed for sure though, without anything to be done or something to aim at and haphazardly stumble towards, the capacity for stagnation is alive and well within me. Like if there's an easy way out I'll take it. I've observed how I work in that way.


And so the implementation of structure and discipline, like to aim at something and with some kind of anchored practice seems to be an essential part of what feeds me with positive emotion. Maybe that thing is simpler than I've been making it, it could be something like love, self-full love, as a default. Even if the idea sounds contrived and dangerously close to hippy shit. There aren't a lot of other great options, least not as great as that, and I've been around the block enough times trying the alternatives, wailing out to be saved and the like. The terrible terrifying truth is, it might actually be up to me. Which is horrible, because I know exactly what I'm like and I could easily fuck that up, so why even bother to look for the courage to try? Well, how about to not continue towards deeper and more profound hells? Is the pain of actual hell worse than the pain of a sincere attempt and possible failure to move away from it? Nobody who's not numb to the pain of hell they're in would say that. But god knows I've lived enough loops as if it wasn't. Is whatever it is I've done, or they've done worth not loving myself the best I can over? Considering that the act of not doing so brings me and everyone I'm connected to and care about one step closer to hell. Hell has a strong gravity, and it makes a very convincing argument, it takes a good amount of courage to take a step away from. So this could be a key question to ask at choice moments of self loathing. And then follow it up with; What would loving myself mean I ought do next in this moment?

Often though in order to do something good for myself, It's almost like I have to trick myself into lurching into something that it would be more painful to escape from than stay in, then once I'm in it, I tend to make the best of it. I usually deal with it way better than I think I will, then it picks up momentum. Motivation can be hard if it's not driven by necessity. It seems a face to face confrontation with the abyss can be sufficiently motivating. There's some sense in voluntarily exposing yourself to the genuine horrors of the world, either your own or other peoples, perhaps daily, at least at first until the new circuits get trained in, without turning to the numbing agents that keep them at bay. It's that act of exposure, voluntary vulnerability, that allows painful truths to give you a sense of where you could end up (or back at, if you're numbing out your past) if you don't pay attention.

You can use exposure to the horrors of the embodied world then to shed your victim mask, maybe your situation is not as bad as those in Auschwitz, Soviet Gulags, or Camp 22. Maybe people have made it through worse than what you're going through. And maybe you too could draw on that resource of the human spirit. Like, thank god you are where you are, because wherever that is, there's always somewhere worse, and there's always something you could and would do to help things deteriorate if you're not paying attention. Look below, so you can further use that to leverage humility and gratitude towards where you actually are, and then look up with a vow to love that position into where you might be. That's something you could do. It's an actual brain circuit and response you can train in. If you were so inclined. The pain of it might be terrible, but the pain of not doing it might be way more terrible. Increased sensitivity and ever waking eyes can actually be tremendously painful. Especially when you're in the business of turning that towards yourself.